3 Revelations
Welcome to December, the most wonderful time of year! Happy everything, everybody!
This is truly a beautiful time. Everything is sparkly and well lit. It seems like the whole world is decorated in gaudy baubles and everyone is giggly.
It used to be anyway! I personally feel like shit. There is a sense of goodness in this though. It feels like I am finally approaching certain aspects of myself with some goodness in tow. I will not defy the feelings inside of me. I will no longer ignore my pain. The revelations that come when I am down are teaching me about my purpose and how to fulfill my plan. My first revelation was Jesus Christ in the light fixture of the emergency room. A cross for me to cling to when I was falling. Falling so hard over the pain that has been here since childhood. Tears flow from my eyes effortlessly for all the ways I felt alone and ugly. Grief grows in my throat and tightens the muscles to my face, pulling the corners of my mouth towards my aching heart. I hurt for the upbringing that was limited by its perpetuation of trauma and resentment. Hard feelings raised me and the world is just this hard feeling place.
The hospitalization I talk about in the #firstfriday email brought me to my knees spiritually and i needed this. I needed to humble myself to the big plan The most high has for me. I know nothing, control nothing. Another vision came at home . A sweet love in the shape of a devoted thick woman opens her arms to me. She holds my face and kisses me. She smiles and i can’t believe it’s at me, I’m such an asshole and she waves her hand at me… she says, “I know what you do, I know who you are. None of that matters, welcome home, welcome home, welcome home”. I am shivering remembering that she loved me so and then was taken from me, all the people after that were mean. She was the only good thing I ever had and i am missing her now. Only her.I am learning to be brave in the face of revelations. Missing a mother is a terrible thing, can you imagine how deep it hurts when you miss her through lifetimes.
I have faith that what is here is serving me and my highest good. Which means this thing about sharp pain and how my body tightens at the thought of it. The discord and the people involved. That is very important to me, it’s the reason I move through the world scared. When the people who love us also hurt us the world makes little to no sense. Being here is not easy as the bridge between my behavior today and theirs from yesterday meet. It continues to be a very emotional time, I am jumpig into an existance that is brand new. I am dedicatig my efforts to a very cool life but right after my injury I was pissed at my altar and all the wasted prayers. How could my spirit team fail me like this. Are you not a benevolent source for my unfolding? I asked and then I heard. Ohhh... Does that ever happen to you? The divine speaks immediately, removing all doubt.
The upside to spritual crisis and physical breakdown is I also got to see some materialization of ideas that have just been bouncing around in my head. Ideas are taking shape and this tiny aspect of a vision is enough to keep me going. In my fit of defiance I took the altar out of my room and decided to use it as a Christmas tree stand. The answer points upwards, the tree, from the place I have called home for my time with God. The question begs and reveals that there is only ever one. All the paths lead home to the self and that sacred connection with the unknown. The truth is I’m fooling no one. My pain is neither hidden nor under control. My pain is running the show, convincing myself I can do it on my own. I also know my pain will show up when I am ready to launch, start again, defend myself, forgive and forget.
“No! Listen to me! Let me! Leave me alone!”
It’s a painful memory of not belonging and craving safety. Here with it is also an opportunity to hold and heal a belief that is keeping me prisoner to misery. As a child i learned a habit of pain, I brace for the world to come and shatter me, I stay ready for it. I repeat patterns and there is nothing to be done about not yet being conscious of that. Until I have the eyes to see I dance in flowing skirts around a fire with my barefeet and all my beauty. That mother of mine shows me the moves and then enjoys watching me. Faith in the unfolding of things.
I completed many cycles this year and a big one is on it’s way. I feel it. It should make me happy. Instead I'm strangely relaxed about my sadness. There is a holiness to my despair. It plays in my mind like an animated story. Falling, falling, falling dreading what’s next, A hole of rock and dust, the next thing is unpredictable and violent, soft soil mushed body as she lands. It's true it's terrible but at least she touched earth. Here it stops. Healing begins.
The timing in the circumstances could not be more perfectly suited to the venture. As a writer self discovery is key to developing an expansive experience in storytelling. Injury demands stillness and quiet and so does the art. With fear I embrace a life that turns me on. Little by little I live big and honest. The dream materializes, a miracle emerges, and possibility takes it’s place. If you are in pain, don’t ignore it. Listen to this body that knows and follow the clues of the imagination. It’s been a really hard time but I think it’s about to get a lot better.
Tell me how I am doing so far. I love recieving your emails with words of encouragement, keep them coming and look into a new 12 week circle with The Artist Way I will host on Sundays. Stay tuned on instagram for announcements Please also check out my services page. I have some lovely offerings that have taken years to bouquet with intentions for self respect and victory.
If you enjoy reading this blog and email consider sending it to a friend. This baby is going up, come what may we go up!
Nothing but Love,
Adri
Oh and Happy Everything, everybody
