Starting Over
I stayed in my mistakes too long. If I would’ve dropped the first 5 psychos a little faster than I would have run through the lessons faster. I would have enjoyed the infinite well that is a good man so much sooner. Imagine the adventures and experiences I could have had if love and respect was designed into my upbringing.
Violence, addiction and small thinking are recipes for a lifelong battle with unworthiness. Those who abuse and abandon us are often also the ones who love and care for us. In my now grown-up perspective, it makes sense that I would end up in relationships that did the same. They welcomed my unworthiness and kept its toxic hearth burning. It’s a confusing inner entanglement that plays out in my dealings with men and money. I am determined to bring that to a screeching halt, and it means it will probably hurt me and them. This will hurt the men I say goodbye to because I love but love myself more. It’s still worth it, though.
At 42 it’s not too late to start over. I would argue that I have waited my whole life to be able to start over. Now is when I feel the courage to finally be the one in charge of my experiences and my healing. Today I call back my power. What feels lost in a time warp of hurt I now call to be integrated in my own being. No more blaming or complaining. I call back the fragmented parts of myself scattered and shattered from the poor choices of my youth. I also call on the power of wealth and prosperity to my life. I am finding that the synchronicities of this calling show up and rock my world. Let me tell you about $33 well spent.
I wrote a book called La Tunca and my dear friend who believes in me came over to buy 2 copies. Will you sell me two books, she says? Here is some money, I don’t even know how much is there. Can I give you what I have? She asks… Of course, she can. I am so happy to receive the encouragement of the purchase that the amount she pays turns out to be irrelevant. I take the money in faith that one day it will multiply for both of us. As I count the money and organize it, I know that this special number which has been trailing me for two years now, is bringing with it a very big blessing. The trick is to be present to it. As you probably have guessed by now, she paid me $33. That magical number. Would I be able to continue to recognize the gifts as they arrive? Will I remember that I am the infinite well?
You see, just a few days earlier I started connecting with a man. He is a blast from the past, the one I said goodbye to because I loved myself more. The one I hurt but even though I did his love never dwindled. The one who got away. It's such a blessing to have lifetime friends. People forever on your team. Family isn’t just that which you’re born into but the chosen heroes along the way who can see you for your almighty and blessed truth.
It was Thursday when I came to use the money. I took it from my writing desk, under the flower vase filled with roses and an image of La Virgen de Guadalupe, in honor of The great Mother and all her emanations. I took the money with faith in my heart that it would be enough for what I needed. Somehow the budget would allow for the food I would eat over the next few days, cover the cost of my cooking lesson supplies and roses. We needed the roses…la musa and me. Whatever I offer to Her is also for me. She had been teaching me in her very subtle ways to enjoy the luxuries of time and peace. I often understand presently that a lack of funds over the years was intended to slow me down so that I could see where I was driving myself. A beg for pause.
As I walked to my local store, I listened to the very juicy music on my playlist. Instead of focusing on what was missing and how much I knew I needed to get caught up. Rather than sulk in the trap I helped joy and gratitude through on that walk with music. The beats propelled me into the futures that hold all my hopes and wishes. I knew that $33 wasn’t enough, it was plenty. I floated on the flirtation that where there was a will there was a way.
You already know…I get what I need and then some. I get the prettiest bunch of peachy orange supermarket flowers and when the cashier rings me up…$33. Not a penny more, not a penny less. I take the well organized and anointed cash out of my hoodie front pocket and hand it over with the words, “Praise G-d”
Every moment I spend in faith is fortified and rewarded. I have and hold the yes to my life, the key to my success and victory. To let love in when we are at our worst, lowest is hard but it is the most graceful first step to starting over.
