Leaving

Back in New York and cold AF! I had forgotten what November in the northern hemisphere could be like. I miss Costa Rica.

Leaving, every time, is sad and I cry like a baby. This time around I left WP a much cleaner and brighter home, awaiting savior tenants with a beautiful rottie named Pipa to guard and protect. Leaving Pipa was hard, she came into my life the week I arrived in CR for a 3 month stay at our family home. It was love at first sight and she became my best friend. A safe place where I could pour my affection and attention. She was beautiful and smart and could adapt to anything, I felt so lucky to have her and jealous when she was distant with me. A playful girl who fits right in, wherever she goes.

If I was to raise her to be a guard dog I had to let her sleep outside at night and keep her on a tether. during the day. As I noticed with all the dogs literally everywhere in CR, this is the way to get them angry about anyone unknown at the door. Nobody f* with us kind of guard dog.

I decided not to do it. Instead I spoiled her, AKA talk baby to her all day and let her sleep inside if she wants to. Animals are so amazing, they speak in a language of behaviors.. We get to learn about each other through body language and tone. It is a language of trust and compatibility. She could kill me if she was triggered to. This fear is ever present just as it is everywhre in my llife. Always scared and with good reason. She is big and strong. Her reputation says beware and I am. Even though i want to put a bow on her and teach her to use the toilet, I cannot forget she is a dog.

I remember that she needs exercise and mental challenge. She requires long rest, timely and nourishing meals. She needs meat, bones, a chase.

An online dog training course helped me get her to sit, lay down, stay, come, all on command and she expressed intelligence and obedience in all our sessions. Everyday before breakfast we trained, a couple of times per week we hiked near the rivers and slowly we got to know each other. The highlight of our time together was taking her to the bakery with me for coffee and having her sit so proper, She makes me cool..

and then i left her.

Pipa, as in Pipa fria, a young coconut, the ones that are sweet for drinking. They are all over the place in Bahia and something i love. Pipa came from a farm with five other dogs, already had a litter and an existence with a very fitting name. She was cool from the get. Our last month together was a challenge. She went through a menstrual cycle and i got firsthand what it meant to free bleed. She left drips and drops of her blood all around the house, her bed , she licked and cleansed her blood from herself and the ground. She was swollen and bored. We had to interrupt our adventures and walks until she was out of heat in fear that we would attract male strays to the house. Ugh. Our altered neighboring mutt kept her company. He was wild about her and she enjoyed every bit of it. This dog licked her from head to tail. It succeeded in keeping her calm and further depressed me…my dog was getting everything i wanted. I witnessed a lovemaking between animals, she was totally DTF, it was a language of embodiment. sexual urge and satisfaction. You should have seen her! sprawling herself wide open allowing his nature to meet her own.

I must admit jealousy over my own pup. She was getting all the things I had tried so hard for. She bled as i watched my own cycle start to wither.. She had a male counterpart who was mad about her and I was still trying to avoid bozos. My dog is everything. A teacher, a friend. I suppose she also inspired me and reminded me that I too am an animal, connected to a nature that guides my life just as it does hers. Maybe everything is right. Just right.

I have to let this belief feed this vision of women bleeding freely in the garden, bathtubs, showers, steam pots and hammocks to accommodate a cycle that only needs rest and slowness. Herbs and flowers reminding us how beautiful it is to be alive. A place, even for dogs to be free. A safe space that holds an existence beyond what we are used to and even willing to allow. This future of female, of roaming freely without threat of violence or harm. becoming thriving artists, I see it and I see it with Pipa. She is the queen of WP, everyone loves her and we only ever enjoy her. All fears laid to rest.

It’s in leaving the places and people we love that teaches us to stay true to what matters. There is some serious shit to be left behind if I am to realize this vision of my heart. To prove that just as I am, enough. I will have to drop a hatred so deep that without it, I feel like I’m dying. To become will hurt because the idea that it will, is. It’s now become so meaningful and romantic to play with pain. To let my whole existence be ruled by my hurt feelings .

mm mm.

All the parts of my new life are feeding an idea for a dorm for people on the path to healing and sovereignty. A space for us in the heart of town but a world away. We choose to retreat without internet, tv, worldly distractions. A place that provides good food and an honest practice. My fear and respect for her animal instinct guides me, her easy to love way gives me hope. I can see goodness. My routine with her and new bond to WP serves this new awakening. I feel terrible for leaving her but we both have work to do.

She is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my sadness around leaving CR. More to contend with. I might learn to leave NY. My sons. My mom and sister. There is so much more beneath the surface .A battle between who I think I’m supposed to be for them and who I am for me. I leave behind a version of myself that is toxic and mean and needy. Self loathing and people pleasing, lazy. Whatever it is, I leave behind the part of me that refuses to integrate this experience, the one that hides and reacts instead of holding and expanding. I leave my clinging to approval. I leave surrendering. I leave the fight. I leave a beautiful home that no one wants but me and hope I don’t lose it or worse, fuck it up.