when push comes to shove
Sweet One,
You’re getting pushed around again, I see.
Who the hell do people think they are to insert themselves and “bull in china shop” someones life with their own selfish demands? I’ll show you not to play with me, I’ll show you who is big and bad and ready to fight a lifelong war!
When push comes to shove it’s uglier than you ever thought it could get. A couple of disagreements and boom, You’re right where you told yourself you’d never let it get to! There is no peace between you, you don’t speak or care to and tension is thicker than the humid air of the jungle. Both of you are right.
Both of you are wrong.
In between that space is a desire for freedom, one from the other, self from the gnawing feeling that there is no love and there never was. How can people who say they love and respect each other treat each other and themselves this way? It isn’t a fair fight but it is honest and raw. Once you let the fiery pent up anger out it becomes deeply personal. Push becomes shove. All our judgements will now be aimed at our hearts like burning arrows and words like poisonous darts. We each die upholding the tale that the other pushed first…
What we have in common is that (he) beat us up. He beat himself up. And here we go repeating that ugly and vicious cycle. Beating each other up. It’s a reformed cynicism, a fancy fuck you. Let them win. Don’t taunt this thing anymore, if you let it, it will consume you. There will be no winners. Find your dream without them. Do what you want with what’s yours. Let them have this. Let them have peace with the man that turned them rancid, say goodbye, said goodbye. Give thought to what they might need from you, maybe all they want is some distance from the source of their anger and misery. Release from this haunted story might be good for us all.
Shame creeps up about being the one still stuck, begging to have her way. Rejection is a familiar place in this particular dynamic so I feel right at home here, reminded of my downfalls and discouraged with judgment and warnings. With these people I’ll never have peace so I look to sweeter faces that hold me without grudges. I think I’m worth it. They want the same. Surrender that we don’t want it with each other.
When push comes to shove I will forget my inner peace and rattle myself into a problem with people whose blood runs hotter than mine and more spiteful than i’m ready to handle. I feel pretty beat up already. The idea of micro aggressions and dramatic power struggles with anyone is enough to send me right back to bed. My body feels this harsh wave before I do, all I want to do is brace myself for the decision I know I have to make that I will never want to make. It feels like there is only this or that and today and all days I hope to remember that God rules all things and what I lay at his feet is light for me or something like that.
When push comes to shove we are ugly, selfish and violent. I see it. It was always over. Every moment has been a blessing and I hope i get to be new, be loved, be still. I hope I let go so much that it never matters again. I pray I do the right thing. May my heart open for other ways where loves flows easy. I pray too that i forget I hate men. I forgive that I’m taunted and teased about that. Take the L that leads to the path of freedom and benefit for all. One of the biggest lessons I learned from a loved ones recent passing,
you will have to do the thing you don’t want to do
Tengo que hacer lo que yo no quiero hacer
When push comes to shove, when push comes to shove, when push comes to shove…what? what do you do? who do you become?
Take the L that leads to Love.
Stop getting pushed around by not being in the way. Love you, bye.
Adri
