Mother, may I ?
No you may not. Once you are a mother you are nothing else…jk and happy Mother’s Day!
Time to heal that part of me that believes I am a bad mother. The guilt that leaves a trace. I have two sons, they are now young adults. Their dad and I ended passionately when they were 12 and 14. Very hard on them. Angry and sad have been the running themes in my home since. I try to be free and live wild but the thought of abandoned boys keeps me from fully enjoying and expressing that vision. Divorce was like this glittery prize for me and an upside down world for them.
It started early in the week, like a flu. After a few days there was no denying it, we needed a hospital. Have you ever watched your kid in pain and fear? That’s a special kind of torture. Last month my kid was really sick. Hospital sick. It was something we endured a few years prior with my older son. Why does this keep happening? What am I missing? Why do I keep getting it wrong? Where am I failing to see how wrong I’ve got it?
This thread of resentment silences me. Keeps me bound to painful thoughts.
Not only did I fear the worst for my kid but I was grieving the loss of the life of my dreams. All I could think was that “mom duties” would never end. Motherhood is a lifelong sentence to worrying. How selfish… how dare I want my own life when these boys need me?
The anger bubbled up in me…” why am i being punished, why can’t i ever have what I want” The ranting and scolding were backed by bells and the truth ringing in my ear. I could feel the effect my anger had on my body. Tight and closed. Feeling incapable and all alone and remembering this is familiar. I let the punishing begin again. “The thing I most want is actually impossible because I have no right, no talent and no skill set to do what I am asking everyone to let me do. How can I dream up another life somewhere else when my kids are clearly struggling. I am clearly struggling. No optimistic forward motion can hide the obvious” and on and on. But the great mother never fails me. She knows my low point and therefore never leaves me there alone.
Just like last month when I received an unexpected payment with all the 2’s and the extra zero! The room they moved my son to was 2022. This small detail restores my faith and helps me feel my feet on the ground. I know my kid is ok even though he isn't yet. I know I’m ok and that we are ok by her miracle and grace. When God has a gift for us it is given. There is no earning or punishing, I don’t think. What’s needed presents itself, the moment for it arises. We got that as a family, the chance for peace and the gift of togetherness one last time. The ex and our two boys, watching movies and ordering food like old times. It seems like the four of us said goodbye to a life that actually was pretty beautiful and heartbreaking. I had my chance to feel into that life I thought I wanted once. I saw how I still played into old roles and conformities.
The choice isn’t between a life I dream of and family. It’s a choice to integrate or not? Be responsible and accountable for what I create or not? Expand beyond my current beliefs or not? Blaming family for an unfulfilled dream is an excuse to live inside the story of limitations and unworthiness. Being with my sons through hard times clears this confusion up for me. Everything between us matters. They matter. Inside of what it means to be a man these days, I matter to them. Living into joy is not selfish but needed to break bonds with old curses that confine us.My joy matters to the inheritance and legacy of men that come from me. I will give them my joy not my suffering.
I think of where my fathers sentiment matches my own right now. Maybe all those years lost in his projects he missed the chance to just be with us. Maybe that’s why Willy’s Place is so special because it is an expression of his remorseful heart.
If you’ve been following me for some time you know I’ve been in Costa Rica at my dads old place, now my place with my siblings. I lovingly call it Willys Place and I’m the only one who wants it. It’s becoming a wedge in some relationships and it can get hard to discern for me what the right choice is. Do I unite forces with my siblings and sell or do I continue risking peace for what I could be totally wrong about?
I think Willy’s Place was my fathers way of making something beautiful and long lasting for his kids. He did a great job with his standing apology. It turns out I love the lifestyle of a beach town with ocean views and sounds. It would please me immensely to put food and flowers in the ground. Please visit the Willy’s Place page where I am brainstorming…I’d love your help
Thank you always, you being here and reading this is encouraging and this just the beginning…
Nothing but Love
Adri
