Manifestation. The hard way.
Do you believe in manifestation? As in the power to call things into your life…?
There was a time when I felt that synchronicities were evidence of a dream manifesting, that my soon to be adult children, my desire to run a wellness business online and my father’s home in Costa Rica becoming available to me was a co creation, a divinely planned coincidence and nudge towards my success. Many things came together at a meeting point that made me feel my time had arrived. After a broken home and heart I wanted to launch myself towards my personal success and have it all. I wished on it and tried to pull the vision towards me. All along though there was a voice running parallel to the nudge heeding warnings that I gladly overlooked for the chance to get what I thought I wanted.
The pitfall of believing in manifestation is that there is also the soil of our minds to contend with. We don’t always get what we ask for, we likely get more of what we already are. I was angry and tired. I wanted to feel anything other than what was in front of me. When I thought my time had arrived to reap rewards I was actually entering a time meant for restoration but fear had me run from it. I was too scared to heal, too hurt to feel. This happens when we are suffering alone inside our heads, reliving or avoiding the past. A good thing can look bad and vice versa because our faculties are tied up trying to find a way to feel better. I needed compassion and joy but couldn’t accept that first there was more work to do. It didn’t occur to me that shrugging of the old and giving myself time to gain back much needed energy and strength was a good thing. It felt like more punishment. Ideas are planted in our minds like seeds into soil but the mind has to be cultivated for best results. My state of mind felt like a punishment and I charged forward anyway. We really do reap what we sow. I used to think that I could believe myself into having, that signs and synchronicities would lead the way. And then I failed. In so many ways.
First I learned that my adult children still need support and then I felt how their happiness was very much linked to my own. I learned that a well run business is only as strong as I am and it comes second to health and well being. I learned that creativity flows best when we are safe in our own bodies and at home in our own skin. I learned the hard way that I would always be misunderstood by those who didn’t care to understand me. Costa Rica showed me how easy it is to get caught in a tug of war. I also learned the simplicity of hammocks, pura vida, fruits and the magic of where the river meets the ocean. The jungle helped me unravel, detangle. I came undone, turned wild and rageful and it was everything I needed. When the inner storm finally passed, some things remained and I learned that with those precious and few a whole life can be rebuilt better and stronger than ever. It was a little messy and confusing but at least i now know…I embody my light and my shadow, both are what make me whole. I did the best I could and made peace with the memories of those who did the best they could too. That is my formidable moment. Sometimes there is nothing anyone can tell us, nothing they can do to change our minds, we spin in a painful circle until we all by ourselves realize we can stop.
Don’t fret or give up, these things teach us to believe even after we fail. They teach us about that very important cultivation piece. Everything I flung myself at in desperation fell apart. Thank God. That voice that ran parallel to the manifestation prayers didn’t allow for growth because she knew better. That voice I treated like a self sabotaging demon was my saving grace, my guardian angel. It echoed the sadness I had yet to understand and integrate. It wasn’t a time to attract, it was a time to shed, let go, purge. Life is still teaching me so much about what true freedom is. Without the lifetime behind me I wouldn’t have so much to look forward to. Manifestation isn’t just the power to call in. It is also something perfect and precise calling me. It’s a meeting place. A point in my own heart revealed in divine time. I remember when I was wishing I was different, that things could be different, but
All of that was for this and this is a precipice.
As the end of the calendar year approaches and the themes of new beginnings start buzzing notice how far you have come…how generous life is that we can royally fuck things up and always begin again. Most importantly, try to notice how nothing that truly matters is lost. The intensity of 2023 cleaned up my life and more is to come, for sure, but maybe I am as different as I feel. Who knows? I am remembering and forgetting. Remembering who I am, forgetting who I was, remembering my strength and forgetting the pain that turned me weak. Contemplating my duality and facing myself had an invaluable effect on me. Resisting my healing helped this process, I got to see how far I could go, how bad I could allow it to get. In that lowly place I also rediscovered a fountain, an unconditional presence that never runs out or away. It will keep giving what is asked , what is declared, it is patient and kind and goes with you to the depths of your mental hell. It waits for you to get it and rides with you all the way back up to the surface for that deep breath. What surprised me most about my hard time is that I was never abandoned. God’s love was all around me and shining in through the people who never left my side, never stopped believing in my capacity to do the right thing and save myself.
In the new wave of time passing over us, called 2024 lets gain proximity on devotion. What am I after all these years, through all this challenge, still good at..still attuned to…still willing to work at and daring to fail at? Is it too much of a stretch to give all of life gratitude for the wild ride that takes me to all I want with detours that show me what I need to know? Can I begin to understand that manifestation is a game I get good at, only in surrender, and that what I want in the ego is different from what I want in the soul?
Pain is a portal and I have made it through. Confidence. Trust. Whatever life brings I will make it through again!
Happy Everything, Everybody!
