Since I have declared this blog a divination finding its way through stories, I’ll tell you one. Like any and every day, I go for a walk to move the feelings within me and calibrate to the turning of trees.

I see it. The life of an explorer. A wild life expert. Cargo pants and a rock solid admiration of nature. I saw myself create a relationship with a lioness. There seemed to be a way the cat allowed me to photograph her without attacking me and make me believe it was special. It became my focus and obsession to follow her. I returned home to further my research and work. After a long stay back home and a desperate attempt at love, a pregnancy. A baby. The delay leads to desperation to complete the project and escape the monotony of life at home, she dares to explore the wild like a native with a baby on her back.

It only took one night.

As she slept in her camp with her baby at her bosom, the lioness came. The sly and mighty cat helped me sleep by letting her rhythmic heart beat be felt long before her arrival. She nuzzled her and kept her warm as she slowly released the daughter at her chest. In one swift bite ate her head and managed to do it calmly enough that I slept through the whole thing and didn’t have to witness chewed up bits and pieces of my sweet child.

She was licking her paws as I woke. She woke me with that hungry heart. I knew to reach for my gun before I had opened my eyes. I knew she was waiting to see my eyes. All at once, we collided and I was on the cover of a magazine celebrating my wealth and success. My hair was smooth and my skirt long. I stood in front of a beautiful desk with my right stiletto on the skull of the cat and her hide an office adornment. She became my symbol of victory. The bullet hole of my one of a kind rug was filled with gold and the now gold bullet was a charm around my neck. My only connection to my baby is in my deepest and scariest imaginings.

So fancy. So rich. Deeply defeated. No one wants success like that. Not even a mindful and manipulative lionness.

Some of October was spent with my shadow. Everything took a hit. My love life was getting stale, my money was slipping through my fingers like sand, the things I was hopeful about were cancelled and so on…

My mood was a dirty comfort blankie being dragged by my tantrumie inner child.

So in shadowy accordance I made rice, fried eggs and platano maduro, a poor woman delicacy. I spent time bingeing Netflix and let my downward spiral happen with no resistance. I ate poor, behaved poor, accepted poor. Do you know that delicious slump, an ooey gooey existence of not enough-ness?

One morning I rose with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, when will this end? Why am I suffering still? How much more must I take?

She said, in a whisper as she always does, it ends when you let it .

On my walks now I stop trying to find new answers to the same old questions.

Act in accord, once it’s done, it’s done. The problem is that we wake up declaring peace with ourselves and effort towards our dreams and go to bed with doubt and fear. We bring what was laid to rest back to life…

The habit of looking back begs to be dropped. I remember that goodness is everywhere, especially forward.. The life I ask on is revealing itself. One by one or much like this blog and newsletter I do on #firstfridays two by two.