January FF last week of…

What a journey I allowed myself the days between Christmas and New Year’s. I woke before the alarm, doubting that I should cross the ocean on the full moon, wondering if it was ominous to feel brave. As I got up to see the time on the only clock in my home, the stove, it read 3:33am and I knew immediately there was no mistake, I was going to Costa Rica. Since my last visit I had lost courage and hope. Anyone who co-owns an inheritance with people who don’t agree on keeping or selling said inheritance lives a tiny hell inside the bubble of that discord. I co-own my father’s place in Costa Rica which is why I travel there every chance I get. It’s where Pipa and Coquita live for now. I love it.

The backdrop to cotton candy skies and dogs i love are co owners taunting and mocking my efforts and revealing my strongest lesson, the true nature of people. Some people will take your generosity with no intention of ever returning it. This is another lesson in not giving everything away just to belong. Now I quite enjoy belonging to myself. So it has become funny to me how some will cut off their own nose to spite their face, that’s what fighting does to people, it turns us extreme. This situation didn’t used to be funny, it actually broke my heart and some of my body too… Everything is felt in the somas, you know… because I couldn’t take the pain I decided to stay my ass away. Returning to the place I love so much meant going back into that energy. It also means facing myself and my nasty attitude and my rebellious nature and the ways I also turned my back and acted with spite, with righteousness. That’s who we are. The true nature of people, right? Am I people too?

I waited patiently for signs and worked to over ride the fear. Guided, protected, encouraged to return to the place that had me turn on myself, turn on others to ultimately turn to God. The jungle eats everything, especially fear. Where I thought I didn’t have the courage for such a long journey anymore it turned out as surprisingly easy. Not without detours or delays but truly peaceful and clear of the drama I worried about. The full moon illuminated the way. The night sky remained bright for me. The whole way I was stupid and speldid, I meant splendid but even typos are messengers, parts of the conversation in action. Honestly, it was so much fun and so restful. I am so proud of (Willy’s Place). It’s a beautiful place to live. If all I get is 5 days between Christmas and New Year’s I’ll take it. Just enough sun, ample rain, the perfect temperature switch, no hard shocks, everything just right, I will live them…fully. Beach, dogs, friends, food, shopping, cleaning, fixing, being…hammocking. The bags under my eyes diminished by the hour. My heart was delighted to breathe in ocean air and watch cotton candy skies once again.

Full circle moments are not lost on me.

At JFK airport by 4:30am, I missed the first two flights through Miami but the agent said try Charlotte…the flight number was 1444 out of gate 44. Made it! of course, Thank you God for the nudge, assigned to seat 33C. Follow the signs and see. It was destined for me to travel, saying goodbye to so much of my old self, acknowledging the attempts and failures. Become the person that lifts instead of leans, this is what i tell myself. None of it matters because if 2023 taught me anything it’s that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, how I feel and think about me is key. The key.

My first publication of 2024 was also the anniversary of my father’s death, 1/5/23, we also had class. Willy, a man I was mostly annoyed with but who has done more for me in death than i thought possible, continues to show me the way diligently and slowly. When we die, it’s immediate integration, we go right back to source and understand. In real life he wasn’t but now he is, teaching me how to do and be in real life. One night while in the hammock, listening to Kany Garcia sing about missing her father, a moth landed on my hammock.

This was a visit, I get them a lot.

Before traveling I had another imaginary argument about Willy’s Place while driving and my angry cry was soothed by a truck transporting cement blocks. One of those blocks had the words “ I will always love you” stamped on it. Immediately I knew, immediately I felt understood, he was telling me that none of it matters, to pull myself out of that conversation that already caused so much damage. I hurt myself running from an imaginary monster. Fear can make the world look as scary as it is and disturb the faith required to experience how safe and lovely it is too. There is not much more we can do but be brave. My father was brave. Reckless even but trusting that he could and he did. He changed my life just by following his dreams. That’s a message…The 4 years I have had the pleasure of enjoying his home have helped me. Here I am defying all ( my own ) expectations. I found myself talking to God about being hard on myself. I tend to have a “love it or leave it” approach that doesn’t help. I took months off to get back to myself and now that I am feeling good again I hit straight to the internet… I am sharing the voice in my head, thinking it’s guidance when it is a warning. This is a time for winter activities…writing, love making, self care, vacations. Like a chick who has lost her head in search of reciprocity, an end to loneliness, I flock to big projects as a numbing tool. Love it or leave it is hard because when you love deep that hook has to find it all the way through, there is no turning back from some loves. Some hurt has roots. How do I learn to both say I am sorry and stand all toes down for myself?

Slowly it comes to me and I take every moment as magical and serendipitous because I like that kind of thinking, I feel good to pray and be myself and have a curiosity for different and weird. I eventually address the wounds, like a sweet one, approach the masculine with care and integrate . No matter what go slow enough to listen to yourself. This year is still your year and when the whole of you works in your favor anything and everything become possible. Even that other stupid thing called forgiveness. love you.