Mid December was a wild time and on a particular Tuesday I felt my anxiety swell due to a trigger I swore would not get me again.  I tried to blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holiday season but that has not been a trigger for me in a few years. I am over the fake holidays and trendy obligations and its a pleasure to honor in my own unique way, Christmas Eve by attending a beautiful midnight mass. But something was definitely off. As a remedy I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in my car while staring at the growing moon. 

As you know, I like to uplift from the wisdom of  words.

you are not losing if you are learning

I learned that a good cry can be sweet too, sweet as ice cream. When I cry, I release and sweeten up. Those sour feelings find a cozy spot in the soma and wreak havoc sometimes, unless you let it go so it doesn’t continue to hurt you and your body. A lot of psychosomatic work are ancient practices and they are popular because science has finally caught up. We are not separate, compartmentalized pieces of ourselves. Every part communicates with every part and finds a way to hold the energy of an emotion or the vibration of a thought or the frequency of a feeling and until integrated and healed it moves like a worm finding a place, a home. So if there is anything I have learned about healing and growth it is to honor my body and feelings as sacred. I honor all the crying, the physical pain I felt, the fear lurking behind every thought and paranoia. And yes, until we find a better way, ice cream.

This poses a juxtaposition so steady it gets me to ask. What is a gift if it doesn’t even help me help myself? So for the rest of that week I chose to look at my unsettled emotions as a gift. They let themselves be felt and then known, the wisdom is in the listening. I kept my thoughts focused on work, on writing, on the website, on growing, on saving money, on supporting my sons, on having kinder, gentler self reflections. I reduced screen time and made sure I walked and slept well. I prayed and sat with the Rainbow. The angst is a spiritual gift revealing itself.

The messages flowed and here is what I gathered. (Bear with me.)

We have a divine support system that guides and works on our behalf. To feel anxious and disturbed is a nudge to sit and listen. It can be hard to hear what we are being guided about because we want to believe the world is as kind as we are. Those nudges want to alert us, warn us, wake us up to prepare us. Something is coming and the body knows it!

After a few days the wind begins to pick up. There is a gloom and doom in the air. A storm was brewing. I am tuned in because I know that my vices are my way of feeling something other than what is taking over me and wanting to be heard. The ice cream or any other distraction is just a way to try to feel better. It is a way to soothe ourselves, however impractical and ineffective we may know it to be, this is why we do it. War. A war waged against yourself becomes paranoia, conspiratorial thinking. The weather sounded like war to me. I called everyone to vibe check but no one else thought the wild weather was an omen. The trees held on for dear life, their branches banging and clanking sounded like collisions and explosions.

I found comfort in my kids and our home and poured love into us. To give encouragement and understanding despite the fear that the world might end right then and there could undo the knots of old hurt that I tied to them unintentionally. That patience and compassion has the potential to end the war of households, sibling rivalries and broken marriages. I felt God encourage me to be the force of good in my home, to use the gifts of my strength to make things light for me and mine. That night of inclement weather and the storm within challenged me, wishing so much I could either sleep deeply and remember nothing or sleep lightly and remember everything. I got neither so I mostly prayed. On my way to work the next day I saw all the signs…numbers, words, ideas.

While at work I learned Guyana is defending its resources. Venezuela wants to take over. Should they go to war, guess who will aid Guyana? Should they go to war, guess who will aid Venezuela? Then I understood and strange as this may sound, felt the calm. The tumult of the days prior were met with answers for questions I didn’t know how to ask. I thought everything I was feeling was about me! I thought it was my trigger and my inability to get over it. (It is as well.) I mean who doesn’t have a war waging in some aspect of their own life? But my body knew that trouble was brewing, thank you body. My body picked up on the worry and tension. Sure, I am worried, because it always seems the world is getting worse but maybe for all eternity we will fight. The answer just might be tending to the tensions of our own homes, our own psyches. We may not ever know peace on earth because that’s not the nature of earth but we can point our focus to what’s right under our noses. We can become accountable to those who matter most including self, we become accountable for ending our own war of good and evil within.

I think we were designed to thrive in chaos without getting caught in it. The tests of the spiritual are in everyday life choices. So many of us get the assignment so wrong. I know I do. I think the tests are designed for us to realize who we are and that fears are defeated in the heart. The answer to the wars is to keep focus on what is always true. The lower realm will not know peace but the most high will. So Hold what is dear to you. Surrender to what stirs. Love to undo, to untie the bond of fights, to free the generations to follow from war over resources, fights over land. The whole world will gobble itself up with that old pattern. The way to win is gracefully.

I’ll cry as gesture of sweetness as I also restore and rebuild myself this year. There is so much that I am so happy I want again, like my figure and the habits that support my gorgeous glow, money and freedom that flow because I am in my art, adventure, a new lover, sweetsister.love as a successful brand and business, embracing my abilities to feel deeply for others without devastating myself. I will cry tears of joy for the Rainbow and all the practices in place to support me as a writer and wellness teacher. I will weep to clear and cleanse as I become a dream come true. I’ll eat my ice cream for joy and pleasure rather than as a crutch…btw have you tried the oatmeal cookie flavor?

What do you do, sweet one? How do you hold your gifts and your knowing? How are you as a rainbow, as a bridge between the mundane and the mysteries? Does it sometimes make you cry too?

Let’s talk about it. Join me for conversations like this every #FirstFriday of the month in 2024 on google meet. Only for subscribers to my newsletter. See you on 2/2/24 for our February #FirstFriday Class. Don’t miss it! Details are on the events page. The password is RAINBOW2024.