On a Saturday night, a few weeks ago, I went to a fun party in Harlem. It was an event called Soapbox, a whole street block was closed for the pleasure of dancing house music under a starry sky. The weather was perfect, the summer heat being kissed by autumn breezes, goodbye summer, hello fall, the changes are coming. Do you feel them? The week of the new moon is always inviting me to something different. When you love the moon she loves you back. I try to never miss those quality invitations to remember who I am and what I love. In so many ways God is giving me the gift of youth, the memory of things left behind, all the potential I was before my life detour. I have always loved dancing, house music, starry nights, beautiful people and good friends. This year my life is packed with untamed curiosity for innocence.

Yes, innocence.

The common trend in use of words like untamed have a heavy sexual connotation. Just like feminine used to mean nurturing and now it means rage. There are so many meanings a word steals away. So much still to be understood and misunderstood in words. Humans can’t always be explained because we are inexplicably unique. The fascination with labels is getting exhausting for me and the poetic, wordy, embodiment I wish to express as I have noticed it, is still annoying for too many. Like most things, eventually we get it. This is the danger of small talk. It stays on the surface…a proper exchange, social norm that desperately needs a busting, bursting through. But also don’t run the risk of being too weird. It is a lot sometimes but I let go for as long as I could to let joy flow. Afterall, I went to the party to have fun! There was definitely a lot of sex in the air, everyone was, as the kids say, outside…tall and handsome shades of brown were all around, it was a delight to see gorgeous men about. It was lovely to see that Harlem style! A relief that online dating is not the only way. We joked and called this event Hinge LIVE. Look left, look right.

Funny to think back on my responses to them as I shared … “from Long Island”…even funnier to see their faces. They all assume it’s a 2 hour journey to the boonies but at that hour it was really just 35 min and a toll. Where I live is hardly the boondocks, it’s actually a lot like Queens. I can still hear the train like when I was a kid and I have everything at walking distance from me. I’ve been blessed to live in nice places my whole life. What’s lovely about Long Island and different from any place in NYC is that we have plenty of beaches and lots of parking. So after bitching and moaning and 20 minutes of circling we found a spot, a perfect spot. I let my heart get light, I let my shyness and self consciousness take a back seat so that I could have a moment of fun that i need and deserve.

We danced, we people watched, glanced and gazed, felt the energy of new and good. All for free. Except of course for tolls and gas because who the hell wants to take the train these days? Based on the news the NYC subway is the battlefield it always was, even in politically correct, woke and new earth oriented 2023. The party ended at 10pm but we did not go home. The parade of beauty began, swipe left and swipe right, look left look right, if you like him smile and hold eye contact if you don’t look away without smiling…an in person game of love lost. I like them dark, from caramel to asabache. Preferably tall and strong. I can’t say that I have an exact type but a full head of hair is always nice and thick hands. All of this is much like small talk, dangerous. Before we even know a person we are pre-judging based on size, shape and looks. Yes we are entitled to like what we like but have we not gone through all this trauma and pain to move past the surface closer to deeper meaning. Have I not done all this personal work to embody and see beyond the eyes.

As my friend and I stood fetishizing and window shopping through our imaginary net cast at the exit of this wonderful event, we caught a lovely fish. She was accompanied by a tall, white, arrogant French man who taught me the grand lesson in small talk. At least for the after party in the streets she became our friend. I paid close attention to what he said about women, they needed to be exotic and fit. She could not be smoking, heaven forbid and he was not about to spend money on her either. I could sense his heartbreak and disdain. His desperation for getting his dick wet just a facade hiding his true desire to be in love with our fish. My friend and I could see it, his yearning for love, to be loved for more than an expensive dinner or a cute accent. My friend said about a man who asked for her number, ‘Fuck it , I’ll let him take me to dinner’ and this, this comment is what set him off. It was a harmless joke, seemingly inoffensive even though it carried sarcasm. I think she said it to small talk. To be funny. To fill the space with a social norm.

The three ladies of the evening, my friend and I and our only catch for the night, hit it off and together we flirted with the guys who came up to us, giving fake names, learning the codes, making bathroom runs and watching for weirdos and pervs. We danced to the electric slide with music being blasted from a gorgeous mint green and shiny motorcycle. We smiled and laughed at each others jokes and belted out R&B classics by Fantasia, I’m sure you know it too. A player can be recognized by his ability to get all the ladies singing! Like a loud and joyful chorus we unknowingly sang to the heavens in a collective prayer about romantic love… When I see youuuuu….

The dangers of small talk are this, you might see who someone is right away and you may not. An insignificant comment can show you someone’s true colors about the nerve that comment hits. It can show you red flags that should never be ignored. A common phrase echoing popular opinion can hide even from ourselves honesty that is replaced by a performance that screams, please like me. Small talk gives, I show you what I think you want to see just for the chance to fuck you…which of course I heard the Frenchie say as he watched a beautiful young woman dance with a blunt between peace fingers. I don’t think small talk is either good or bad but it cannot ever show us the full spectrum of emotion a person is capable of. It perhaps lets us peek into a moment or an aspect, but never the big picture or the whole picture. I could be wrong but I would guess that our friends for the night were an embodiment of where most of us struggling and suffering love are at. I perceived that both were eager and resistant to be in warm arms, pining and refusing intimacy, he clearly loving her and she clearly dismissing him for his stupid small talk. These are all my own assumptions, of course but as I engaged with the evening I witnessed that most of us are not possessing the willingness for vulnerability which is required if that dream, maybe just my dream, were to come true and actually fall in love again. The fish and her frenchie were exactly each others type, she was exotic and fit, he was tall, lean and white. It’s laughable how we do this to ourselves all the time. Often what we want is right under our nose but small talk sabotages it. Small thinking, small beliefs, small talk can pull us away from the people we choose to love. We block the chance to be seen and therefore known, we close our heart to someone who is still working on opening theirs. Sometimes we quit just before striking gold and sometimes we are wise to quit while we are ahead.

These days it’s too easy to get ghosted, rejected and swiped right off the screen. When you find something that pulls on your heartstrings we have to be willing to have big beliefs around being loved and desired, big thoughts for a fun time finding love and big talk…there’s nothing hotter than honesty. Sometimes men have to make investments on nice dinners and women have to remember not to objectify men for money. If we want love, it’s time to learn to move with love in mind. I can tell you first hand that fancy dinners and exotic trips won’t save your marriage if there is no mutual respect and vulnerability. My testimony can also confirm that it's not so bad alone, single and happy is alright too