Why is it so hard for some of us to say no? I know I can't be the only one wondering about this. Given the growing popularity and many conversations these days about boundaries and protection, I guess I am not the only one. Maybe this very trend is what’s helping me understand that to say no and to hold my ground about where i am going and what I am up to is essential to getting there… Maybe.

It could also be that pleasing people is exhausting and defying myself is painful. It literally hurts to do for others what they can do for themselves, it becomes a pain in the neck. Going against my own inner knowing, my gut, means a belly ache and often lower back pain. Why the need to carry others? It’s something I have had to look at while in Costa Rica at Willy’s Place. This place is too meaningful for me to go on in pain and exhaustion or for anyone or anything to limit my peace and my dreams coming true here.

Here’s a tale of passive aggression and drama I can share with you…

The last time i was here I met someone I thought could be a friend. It seemed like we were into the same things with similar belief systems and outlook on how to serve the world and the earth. I had been dreaming out loud about a work exchange program or low cost rental for those wanting to work with their hands while at Willy’s Place.

Pretty soon they asked if they could live with me for free because they were having hard financial times.  Every fiber of my being was like, nope...nahhhhhh, mmmmmm belly ache. They caught me in a moment when I was still having trouble saying no and so instead I gave the most compelling argument on how Willy’s Place was not ready for guests yet. I gave honest and fair warning...and still they pressed. “Yes, no problem. Oh it’s gonna be great, we will get so much done”.

They insisted they would help me clean and be a good companion. Uh, my belly and then also my throat and the back of my neck. They talked endlessly about the odd jobs they had in the past that were relevant to the services I would be needing and therefore were really good at maintaining a home, my home.

Can you feel where this is going?

They were trouble from the start. Endless complaints about all the things that needed maintenance and upkeep. Judgement sound cleanliness and food. The real kicker was that financial hardship was never an issue from my perspective. They shopped at all the high end stores. Everyday I felt more stupid, swallowing my words, regretting my decision. I took a lot of what they said and did personally. I thought to myself, “here we go again with people who just want to use me.

This negative self-talk violently thrashed around in my own head.  I made meaning and truth about the world and my friendships with this thinking. I felt the knots of the past in my feet and neck. Tension grew in the pit of my belly. I engaged in other projects at Willy’s Place that got messy because of my own state of discord and anger. It was a mess, I was a mess. Something did find it’s way through. My spiritual and self care practices were showing me that this behavior wasn’t new...I began to notice that there was a habit of my own that needed attention.

There is something ugly brought forward by this victim attitude. I was in a state of blaming. The old habit of self loathing revealing it’s tight grip on me and all I experience. I don’t know exactly what it is, but something happens to me, I shut down. I can’t say no or hold my ground unless I am pissed or pushed to my limit. Now is the time to get over it or at last give it the tenderness I know it needs, the tenderness I need. I am learning that the most tender thing I can do for myself is to run the risk of disappointing someone else with a simple and polite NO. Their disappointment is certainly easier to live with than the internal battle that can suck the energy and life right out of me.

Here’s my two cents this month...Say no. As a practice, just say no. Explanations, excuses, feelings of guilt, are unnecessary. We have the right to our boundaries and spiritual or not, we all deserve the protection that comes with them.

How do you feel about saying no? What becomes available when you honor the no of your heart?