Pride is a bitter drink

 I saw this proof when I finally accepted I wasn’t cutting it as a business woman. I did the right thing for my situation and found a job I enjoy. That’s something. When it finally landed, I would have to sell my father’s place in Costa Rica, something shifted for the better in me, this I can admit. Seeing that ganja, the medicine I thought was meant to free me really just kept me stuck, it helped me get sober.  When love and lovers fell short and I found myself bored, I knew it was time to just be with myself and have my grand love in a simple way. Self love.   All hard but good truths.

What now? This is where I find myself. I’ve come so far just to start all over again. When everything you thought you wanted falls and fails, what’s next? I think it’s a swallowing of pride, which is a very bitter drink. Letting go is the medicine. Letting go of the ego, the desires, the wants and recognizing that life will have its way with me and not the other way around. As someone who often gives in to the whims and wants of others, I felt resentful to once again be surrendering. I could feel the painful reverberations of the belief that I always lose the fight draining me of energy and focus. So desperate to have a win I pushed, exhausting myself further. My lesson here was that sometimes you have to lose to win and… we are never losing when we are learning.

For a long time life has been giving clear instructions but it is so damn hard to hear when the ego is so loud. Now that all I thought I wanted is cleared from my path I am left with memories of reading the Berenstain Bears as a kid, writing poetry as a teen and feeling the same tenderness for people in pain, the same nudge after all these years that I should write all kinds of stories and not let money taint the purity of this knowing. 

The most courageous thing a person can do is face the thing they resist. So just like that I am writing again, getting better as I go. Even when I hear that critical voice repeat that I am stupid, I am showing up for the one thing that life keeps telling me I am here for. Just write. You will suck and sound stupid and make terrible mistakes AND some will love it. Some will love you, not the way you thought but the way that’s just right for you. Through my most recent cloud of despair and disillusion I created a 2nd edition of my book. I had to fight the voices in my head and the projected and perceived opinions around me. Just like my  monthly newsletter, the idea that my writing is worth reading keeps me going. To those of you who actually read because you care and enjoy my writing, thanks. Without those monthly notes from you and words of encouragement I would have quit. 

This is what has been dragging me through the dirt. Life is showing me important lessons about seeing the not so hidden truth of many, that this week's paycheck doesn’t make it to the next.  Love of all kinds is a battlefield. Money matters more to most than meaningful relationships ever will. The term family is a social construct that actually doesn’t mean anything. If you have a few good friends, you’re not only better off, you’re lucky! That bitter drink called pride should be handled with haste. And lastly that success is easy when I am nothing and I have nothing. What a relief. 

There is both good and bad news here. Ready for it?  The wonderful savior is within. No one is coming to save us, we will have to be our own heroes. Again, what a relief.

Happy Summer, stay cool, drink plenty of water, respect yourself.

I have a happy announcement about my book! It is for sale again. I created a 2nd edition, I’ll be emailing you all the details on 8/8/23 in celebration of the Lion’s Gate Portal! Wishing you many blessings.

Thank you for hanging in there with #firstfridays.