What’s the L for you ask?

For a LOSS… For a LEGACY…

For the many L’s I’ve taken this year, not gracefully but I tried and LEARNED. I came to see where my strengths were wasted, misused and where my life deserves for me to work at bettering my attitude and my reactions to other people and their opinions. The L is for all I have abandoned in my perception of defeat.

The L is for the coach at LANDMARK who told me once that I was a diva, demanding and not at all demure. She may have been right. She told me that I was a powerful and beautiful woman, who would never be happy if I continued to pretend to be nice. I prefer to consider myself exhausted and depleted from not having boundaries and fighting battles I will never win…and also “nice” would not be an appropriate descriptor for all that I have come to embody and become in my life. Those who know me know me, know this! There must be something addictive about self deprecation, co dependency, keeping oneself down. To know that something is not good for us and still do it is a sign of a hook…those of you following and reading for a while know about my proverbial hook …the hook is best removed by going painfully all the way through.

For this reason I have been in hermit mode, limiting access to my most vulnerable parts. When things get hard and I have to face my shame and old wounds while navigating my tendencies toward rage, it’s best i do it alone…or so I thought. This challenging time, which I can only explain as a dark night of the soul (aka peri-menopause) is best tackled with prayer and a commitment to forfeiting falsehoods. The choice to move away from damaging dynamics requires discernment, I had to stop making exceptions and excuses at the cost of my peace and happiness. Befriending my rage got me through it. Finding it ok to be the badguy, odd one, black sheep. Call me what you will but don’t forget to add courageous. Today I stand on faith and I’ve come to this realization, anyone who can walk away and turn their back on me like an enemy because my truth is too harsh for them, was never my friend to begin with.

The gift of being in my 40’s and the blessing of a maturing womb is that you can no longer be fake or play nice or sit quietly to witness stupidities. The lack of feel good hormones during this phase of my life allows for a swiftness and precision that my well intended and eager to be liked younger self could never handle. I am not afraid to be disliked anymore. My defensive ways are appropriate and my so called meanness are saving me. It means I am alone more but only temporarily, as I separate from associations of obligation I find space for true connection and mutual respect. My circle tightens beautifully. That reality keeps me on my path and even if it hurts, for me, it is worth it to have my wholeness.

My habits, my chosen loves, my work, my creativity are all coming back to me, I am back to life all because I went deep into my belly and found a way to stop defying myself. That simple word, NO, gave me a sense of power. The actions and reactions that speak the resounding NO for me, regardless of how it made anyone else feel put me back on my unique path, the one I am forging with fewer but realer friends and loved ones. Every place and every way that I felt wronged is being restored now, my heart is being repaired and I don’t care anymore about the past. I am so ready to move forward with my life. I am ready to win in all the areas of my life and in all the ways I felt like a big fat L. This moment is perfect for remembering that we never LOSE if we LEARN.

I learned and I remember so that I don’t take for granted those who came into my life to hold up mirrors for my growth. There are two people who I judged harshly. They were known for a similar attitude like mine, a defensiveness and rage that I understand differently now. I get where the feelings come from and I respect the courage it takes to become the worst version of yourself in order to become the best version of yourself. My father and my grandmother are my biggest teachers. I have embodied a perceived hate for too long not accepting that I am in fact a lot like them. The gift is that I can choose to take the strength I inherited from both sides of my lineage and turn my life around. I get to break the generational curses that keep us in bondage, i get to trip the network, short circuit the learned poverty of spirit by freeing myself . My rage is not to be ignored or overpowered but harnessed and channeled in areas that are worth my time, energy, effort and investments. I get to go higher because of what was instilled in me and sometimes those lessons hurt because they have to no because we aren’t loved. All things are simple but nothing, my love, is easy.

We can hate ourselves for the mistakes of our past or we can love the version of self that was desperate to be acknowledged and loved. It really is that simple. I love the parts of me that were so hurt for not being included, appreciated, reciprocated. I love the old parts of me that tried hard to belong and I hold in my heart the lessons of desperation. I love that angry woman who will fight for her right to fairness even when it’s hard to articulate the subtle gaslighting that is so hard to explain but so easily and deeply felt. Fuck them and fuck that. I move on, I give myself the right to take the L and LEAVE.

I would imagine the LOAD gets LIGHTER when quality people are in your corner. Imagine what can be when people LOVE with LOVE.

Look at what a mess it makes to defy yourself, short yourself, ignore yourself and play nice or be transactional. It looks like something it is not. I look like all the things I work on instead of all that I actually naturally am. I think the lesson is to not try so hard and to honestly give things to God, not just with words but with a trusting heart. But we don’t know until we know, until we live it, after we follow the hook and come out on the other side wiser, stronger, more playful. I laugh because once upon a time I declared these posts and emails as divinations. Sometimes I look back and re-read their messages and can’t believe how spot on I was, how absolutely accurate I was in helping myself sort out my pain and unraveling. The best is yet to come. I am going to blow my own mind and realize that God was playing with me all along, giving slack to the tether just for fun, knowing all along what would be become of me…and you know what? it’s so special.

May JBV, my father and CTZ, my grandmother rest peacefully knowing their hard work was not in vain. I now understand the assignment. Be you. Love your mother and your children and put your faith on one thing only, GOD.

What are your L’s for?