Here we go, into the life of our dreams. Life is full of lessons and insights every step of the way. On days that I am in my pain I am learning to give myself time and space. I’m learning to be with what is…No more quarrel.  

The energy of the fool is with us. He asks that we not fear danger and instead take a risk. We are in new moon energy too…new year vibes wanting fresh starts and new beginnings are peeking through the darkness of winter. 

I feel myself learning and in this process seeing myself more clearly. I am a fool! I often am reckless and oblivious. I dance with chance naturally. I see the future when I close my eyes and believe in magic. But I also suffer. The fool sometimes gets caught out there! We can only float on imagination for so long.

The suffering is a complicated design. It’s trick is that it is well practiced and learned. My people, my lineage have suffered. Many times the hardships I endure feel foreign and familiar all at once. This is because what ails me has done so for generations. My worries about men and money live in my bones and blood from all the mothers before me who worried just the same. Somehow we impressed ourselves with pain and perpetuated it’s effects by believing we were doomed to fail. The strength of our spirit prevailed and then the games began. Up down up down up down. Money? Up down up down up down… men? Start off high end up low…

Intense highs and lows are addictive. When I’m high, my mind zooms in on demise. When I’m low I pray and barter for miracles. It’s a begging for mercy and reward game that never really gets old. It’s just toxically fascinating. I’m noticing that I’m moving through the world without my own declared conviction. I let the motions and the circumstances set the tone.”

What I see more clearly after a year of writing about myself is that I’m much too concerned with what people think of me. I want so much to belong that I compromise my own knowing and wanting.  Recently I caught myself wondering if I was conceited. I worried that maybe others thought I thought too much of myself…

If i must confess about what holds me back in my creative life its a fear of being seen as conceited. 

It cannot be denied that I am truly special. I’m dope, the shit, all the good things. Trying not to be is what has me land like I’m clawing at vanity. In working towards a dream we have to embrace self love and self respect. We have to start holding ourselves in high regard. Time to get conceited so the line of ancestors cheering us on from the other side quiets enough for us to hear god speak through us. It’s an energy of jump and the net will appear…

For a very long time it’s been very hard but we keep going because if anything is certain it’s that all things, all ways in forward motion.